Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
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JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.