Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
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A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”