I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
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Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now