Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
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Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Kermit goes Blue.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
live long and prosper!
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
#ProTip