Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
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The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no