Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
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Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE