Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
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Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
.. do you even science?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Wednesday
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.