before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Would you wear it?
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Spotted in New Orleans.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house