why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
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My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
hmm conte-me mais
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!