[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
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Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW