Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
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Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Just why bro?!
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.