It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
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[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.