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*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
If snakes were wide
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…