Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
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Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Hmmmmm
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.