My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
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To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
When ur friends with white people
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Autocorrect completely socks
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
do horses think humans are hats
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.