[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
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My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.