If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
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a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
#JohnTravolta
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.