#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
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[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I’m being attacked 😭
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
new wife guy just dropped