Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
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*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
💻🤡
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.