Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
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They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED