[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
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14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going