I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
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I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Chicken bread
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
law suits: quality garments for lawyers