DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
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I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
When your best mate counts as a desk too