I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
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My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.