I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
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My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Not now. I’m deglazing.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours