Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
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If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Seems legit
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I have obtained a hat
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.