just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
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Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*