The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
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Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
After 35, your body ages in dog years
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.