If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
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I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”