My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
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Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I want to meet the individual who made this
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.