What a chick magnet..
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See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Worst perfume name ever.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat