if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
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[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.