I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
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Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.