Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
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Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.