Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
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Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.