Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
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Good morning, Twitter x
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
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In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.