For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
You Might Also Like
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…