*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
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If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
How much for the goth pool noodles?