[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
You Might Also Like
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
When they try to steal your moment.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.