Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
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The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent: