“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
You Might Also Like
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Sunday
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.