People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.