I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
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the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!