Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
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*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]