My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
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3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend