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Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.