Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
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*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
That’s no pocket rocket.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.