My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
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LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture