Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
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My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
getting old is fun
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Breaking news:
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Fidel Castro was alive?
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world