Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
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І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.